If I didn't have my dogs and couldn't find beauty in what's left of nature, I would have been gone long ago. I can't seem to dream "little". I thought my ultimate e-bike was pretty small but in the end, it cost me my marriage and apparently, what was left of my sanity. I have all of the parts and tools and most of the drawings to complete the e-bike but just can't find the time or motivation to put it all together. With working to buy food taking up most of my time and already feeling like I don't get enough rest or free time, there's just no more e-bike time and even if there was, I can't imagine how let down I'd be if I poured even more of myself into the project only to be disappointed by an ignorant market and unethical suppliers in the end. From the reaction to the test bike that I did get done, the whole endeavor has been a giant waste of time and resources so it's time to call it quits.
As far as the medical issues go, I can't do Yoga to repair torn ligaments and cartilage. It's just not an option. I need a few very expensive surgeries to have any hope for a normal life and in a country where a 71 year old devil that's caused the massacre of thousands of innocent people can get a new heart, I can't even get an x-ray. I try not to watch the news. I don't own a TV and don't go to news sites but people talk about it and unless I lived in a cave, which actually sounds nice, I'm going to hear about all of the ignorant crap that our species is letting happen and buying into. I was in a restaurant last week and every table around me was full of elderly people talking about politics and religion and I almost threw up, or went around beating their heads in, or something horrible because they were ALL so ignorant and brainwashed and it literally ruined my day. I ended up choking down my lunch as quickly as possible and getting the hell out of there before I blew up and did something stupid but all day, I heard little snippets of their conversations in my head and just wanted to blow my brains out. These are the people that are voting and also the people that are running the show, and my tax dollars, that I'll literally killing myself to make, are keeping them alive. It's just intolerable. The ignorance and entitlement is everywhere. There's no hiding from it or rationalizing it. I would have hugged the guy that threw a grenade in that restaurant in appreciation for his service to mankind. That's not a "healthy" thought but it's a real one.
About MMJ, I smoked pot daily from age 13 until last christmas when I left my wife. It helped me put up with the pain, and with my brain, but it was also constantly keeping me down. It's expensive. It's illegal to grow unless you sign up on a government list....and have a dedicated place to grow it. Not much room for a grow op in the van. So now it's just one of those things that could be positive and helpful that this society we live in turns into a negative, enslaving thing. It never took the pain away anyway. It just made not care about it very much. I miss it in some ways but I think I appreciate the clarity and lack or paranoia more than I miss it.
About your grandpa being hunted down with a gun, it's here again. With the passing of the NDAA and the fact that it's legal for drones to fly around in our airspace, I literally worry every day that some asshole with a gun is going to come imprison or assassinate me because of the things I've said online and in public. I've been speaking out against the corruption for quite some time and I'm sure the IRS is after me too so that sucks. This country is turning right into Nazi Germany one lock step at a time and those that disagree no longer have the right to speak their minds. Only a violent revolution or total economic crash will slow it down or stop it and I just don't see the backbone necessary for a decent revolution. This post right here probably just got added to my file.
I'd love to ride my e-bike but it just hurts now. I ride it and see how cool of a thing it is and think of all of the resistance I've encountered in bring the same feeling to the masses. It sucks to know what could be but will never be. It also physically hurts me. I've hurt my neck more than a few times and the acceleration whiplash and bouncing really irritates those injuries. I gave my downhill bike away so I wouldn't be tempted to injure myself on it again and will basically be giving the e-bike away or parting it out any day now. Pretty much the only times of joy I experience anymore are watching my dogs play and playing my guitar, which, due to the way I've been feeling, hasn't been happening much lately.
The secret sure sounds good but once you've actually tried to live it for a while, it's just another smack in the face. Other people are trying to use the secret too and if it conflicts with yours, neither dream becomes reality.
I went through all of my craigslist ads and dropped all of the prices in half and am planning on offering my boss a package deal on all of the big tools tomorrow so hopefully something positive will come because of it. I might list a few more things that are really e-bike specific on here over the next few days too but am not sure it's even worth the effort. Anyway, sorry to bum anyone out. I really started this thread to find out about consignment/auction company options but nothing made sense without the back story and all of the gory details.