End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by Dauntless » Feb 08 2021 12:45am

amberwolf wrote:
Feb 08 2021 12:21am
Wow...cant' believe I didn't post here for over a year!
Isn't that good, though? Getting on with you life and all?
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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by dogman dan » Feb 08 2021 6:29am

Nothing like 500 pounds of unconditional love eh?

My St Bernards are getting old now, really old. Both around 10 years. The male is just about done with walking. Sure, he still wants to go out of the yard, but we have to be real careful not to go too far. If we go out as far as he wants, he might have to have a little lay down to make it back home. The usual deal, his hips hurt him, even with daily pain killer. The girl doing better with the hips, but for dang sure no more three mile runs beside a bike for several years now. She likes about a half mile slow walk. She's starting to go bald in a few spots.

We hardly ever even think about our fire anymore. At first we'd get all jumpy if we smelled the neighbor start a fire in his fireplace. The PTSD did last more than a year. And it did come back more when we moved back home. But by now its just like a memory of an old job that sucked. Don't dream about it ever now.

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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by amberwolf » Feb 08 2021 12:46pm

You'll notice Yogi (about 12, I think, and varying from 130-140lbs) wearing a harness on front and back in this pic, because he's big enough that he needs a handle back there for us to be able to help him up on bad days (which don't happen all that often but when they do it's all day for several days in a row). The handle harness doesn't stay on by itself; for whatever reason it is designed only to help lift and not to stay on--you'd have to put it on every time you needed to lift, the way it's made. So he's wearing a regular harness up front, and the handle harness is clipped to the leash ring on that, so usually the whole thing is still on him whenever we need to help him up. All he really needs is a short firm tug at the same time he's trying to get up, and he'll do the rest...but without the tug, he just spread-eagles and is stuck. :( If he is stuck and he really needs to go somewhere (like potty) he'll sort of howl-whine, and you can hear that everywhere so he's in no danger of being forgotten and stuck for long. ;)
Image

Kirin (around 8 or 9? and varying from 100-110lbs) has issues because of her long starvation from wherever she came from (pic in cage below from after she'd already been on IV a while at the rescue, but before I got her; it's easier to see the effects in the other (shorthaired) dog that's partly in the pic), her bones aren't quite all right, some kinda bent or twisted in funny ways, so she has always had a little trouble getting up quick, and nowadays she's starting to have more trouble in the back, but she's a lot lighter than Yogi and she's taller so it's easier to get her up without harness aids. Her biggest issue is that there's a lot of days where she doesn't understand why I"m putting dog food (even really good stuff) in her bowl, and "why can't I have *your* breakfast" is plainly on her face. :lol: So she sits there next to her bowl, or on more serious-protest days she lays next to it, until Yogi and Jelly are done and come to see what's left...then she gobbles it down. :/ For a dog that literally nearly starved to death before she came here, she sure is picky. :lol:
imagejpet.jpg
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Jelly is only three, so she's still a stubborn self-centered bundle of energy, and the only trouble she has is *not* getting up and running around, so far. She's a lot like Tiny in a lot of ways, including playing lonely-dog pouting outside where no one can see her when she isnt' the center of your exclusive attention (though Tiny didn't really care what people did, she just did whatever she wanted, which typically didn't involve anyone else...Jelly could become like that eventually, as she's like four years younger than Tiny was when I got her). But she *does* want the attention...as long as you're only giving it to her, and not anyone else. She doesn't get snippy with ohters if you do...she just leaves. :roll: And she doesn't like video evidence of her being a cute Schmoo, so she just stops whenever you point a camera at her. :/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A33NVY2ofFs


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCTePMCNG6k




The nightmares...don't happen very often now. But they do still happen, and there are others to join them when they do, about the others I've lost, and the times I"ve almost lost ones I still have, etc. :/ But it's a lot better than it used to be. :)
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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by dogman dan » Feb 08 2021 2:04pm

I meant nightmares about the fire, waking up and having to drag the dogs out to save their lives. Had to relive that every night for quite some time. Both of us so lucky not to lose dogs in the fires.

So many dogs of the past, typical childless couple thing, but never anything but good dreams about those hounds.

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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by amberwolf » Feb 08 2021 2:14pm

dogman dan wrote:
Feb 08 2021 2:04pm
I meant nightmares about the fire, waking up and having to drag the dogs out to save their lives. Had to relive that every night for quite some time. Both of us so lucky not to lose dogs in the fires.
I also meant nightmares about the fire, cuz I did lose all of mine then...the worst part was not having been there while it was happening so there wasn't even anything I could do. I just came home from lunch with Bill to find the fire department, neighbors, my boss at work, and my landlord all there, and my dogs laid out dead in the backyard (well, the three of them (Hachi, Nana, Loki) that they found dead near the door from smoke...the one (Fred) that burned to death in the room with the fire they didnt' find till after I had been there a while).

I used to have all sorts of nightmares about that, ranging from just reliving it (asleep or awake) to dreaming I was sleeping in bed with them around me and firemen ala F451 coming in and hosing them all down with fire as I lay there screaming at them to stop and having to watch them all burn alive over and over. :( And everything in between. :cry:

I havent' had that last one in a while now...but after so many of them, it's in my head so clearly it is like a real memory, along with the feelings generated. :(
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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by e-beach » Feb 08 2021 4:03pm

The two of you need to make sure you have fully forgiven yourselves. It is the only way out of the bad feelings.

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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by amberwolf » Apr 30 2021 11:37pm

So my dog-luck for this week, the last week of april, which I have to take off work each year because the stress of all the things that have happened the last "many" years like the housefire, Tiny's death, etc., keeps me from being able to deal with stuff at work, continues to be awful.

Kirin has been diagnosed with dilated cardiomyopathy (DCM), which on average gives her from a few months to a couple of years left. :cry:

What I originally thought was just her arthritis and various genetic bone issues catching up with her, causing it to be more and more difficult for her to get up, and sometimes having trouble lifting her rear paws (especially the right one), over the last year or more, turned out to be bloodflow to her back legs and feet causing numbness and loss of muscle control instead.

Particularly during bad weather, or changes from good to bad or bad to good, then just like me, yogi, and my brother she's had increased problems that are very arthritis-pain-like, then they go away when the weather stabilized, and she's "normal" (for Kirin :lol: ). Then a few days ago she started having more of this problem, again on a stormy day, but it didn't get any better afterward, and even got worse.

The exact timing and possibly order of certain events below is not certain, as I have been very stressed out since they started, only getting worse since then, and am still dissociated and having trouble even deciding simple things. But I went over them a few times and have put them in the best order I can recall.

Then the assholes in the neighborhood that like to fire off mortar-round type giant fireworks (that are loud enough to sometimes (rarely) break windows in some of the oldest houses in the area, and always panic all the dogs and even the cat, as well as various people in the neighborhood, and can be clearly felt even indoors just as if you were outside), fired off a string of them while we were outside and I was working on the trike, since it was such a nice day. Kirin had a severe panic attack and fell over and was stuck thrashing around even worse because she couldnt' get up; after I helped her inside she couldn't even lift her back legs or push against my hands very hard.

I thought at that moment it was just her panic, and we sat inside calming down for a while, and eventually I noticed that her right rear toes felt "cold". I though perhaps she'd stepped in her own pee (when she was panicking) but there's no smell of it and it isnt' anywhere else on her, so I began comparing those toes to the left rear and both front, and found a huge difference, though even the left rear was cold compared to the front, which felt normal. She also hates having her toes messed with and didn't react at all to me prodding around back there, but did to her front ones just like usual. I shaved some fur off here and there so I could try to see her skin color, but with all teh splotches it's too hard to tell more than that the skin back there isn't as pink as in front.

She recovered enough after a few hours to be able to hobble around with me holding her rear end up with a harness, but she hates that.... So we mostly stayed in the bedroom with her on the end of the bed and me messing around on the computer to stay with her and me trying to not explode inside with fear, anger, anguish, and plenty of other things.

I got hold of the rescue (that takes care of vet stuff since they're permanent fosters), and an appointment was setup for the next day (though IIRC it took till early that next day to make it). I spent the night with plenty of nightmares about horrible things, some of which I've had many tiems before, and some complertely new ones. (last night wasn't any different).


I spent most of the day of Tiny's "deathiversary" as some people call them, sticking with Kirin and messing around ont eh computer, and dozing / waking occasionally. Mostly we stayed in the bedroom, sometimes going out back to try ot get her to go poop (which she wouldn't even try to do because I was holding her up, and she doesnt' like ), which she hadn't done since that night after the panic attack (she hadn't gone yet when it happened, and after the explosions happen, there' no getting Yogi or her outside for the rest of the night, and they often wont' stay outside for more than a few seconds to a minute or so (long enough to do their business) for the next day and sometimes more than that).

Once the vet appointment came around, we went, and they diagnosed her with the DCM, gave us prescriptions and some starter meds, which may help for a while, at least, but it won't restore the lost functionality as that is likely from blood clots that get thrown into the system--those can cause nerve and/or muscle damage from loss of blood flow, and that may never recover. If the clots dissolve on their own and restore flow, it may get better...but probably not. Another problem is that with the heart not able to pump enough oxygen around, the body gets exhausted quickly, so she doesn't have enough ability to walk very far (a few dozen feet at most, usually less) before she has to stop, even with me helping her. That's another thing that may improve with the meds, but may not.

From the xrays (which didn't show an enlarged heart, so they went over the rest of the body just in case), she's also seriously stopped up with a lot of poop in her guts, which appears to be a lot more than just from the last day or two... I know she's pooped before that regularly, but have no way of knowing how much came out of what was in there each time. So she's on a temporarily restricted eating diet, wet foods only and not as much as normal, with a fast for the first day (that she's already past now). She has since pooped a little bit twice, but not nearly as much as usual. There is the possibility that her guts had blood flow loss and are not working as they should now, so there's meds for that too, but they may not do anything.

They referred us to a canine cardiologist for further diagnosis and such, so we'll see what else can be done, if anything, after that happens.

I'm still reading up on DCM, so I don't know much beyond what the vet told us. I'm having troulbe focusing on taking anything in, so it might be a while before I really learn much.


In the meantime, Jelly has actually become worried about Kirin, which is surprising given her usual way of acting towards her (and Kirin's mouthing at her and occasional actual snapping at her when Jelly gets really aggravating).

Yogi doesn't seem to behave any different; if he's noticed there's a problem, I can't tell. He himself is in one of his days-long phases of getting "stuck" laying down somehwere, where his hips/back legs hurt too much and/or the muscles just aren't strong enough in the "foot" from toes up to ankle. He wears a makeshift lift harness all the time so Raine can help him up if I'm at work, but sometimes Yogi is in a spot Raine can't shuffle over to reach his harness handle or it's too awkward an angle, and Yogi ahs to wait till I get home from work. :(

Since that harness doesn't do the job well enough all the time and sometimes he can even get it repositioned where it won't work, and Kirin needs one too, I ordered a couple of new ones (well, used, from Ebay, cuz they're not cheap) that are full-body support harnesses, that can also be used with just the front or just the back, since Yogi doesn't need the front one and Kirin doesn't completely need it yet but she probably will, and no way of knowing when; both of them will wear the rear part all the time, and Kirin will probably have to wear the front, too, so I can hold her up for potties when she's too worn out otherwise. T hey're the "Solvit CareLift Full Body Lifting Harness Large 70-130lbs" type:
https://www.google.com/search?q=Solvit+ ... s&tbm=isch
These also have buckle spots on the sides that can be used with a doggie wheelchair like the one I was working on for Tiny just before she died. (very different from the one I built for her to start with), so I can build one of those for Kirin before she gets to the point she needs it (which is liekly to happen sooner rather than later).


Now I just have to deal with how I feel about all this...which I cant' even process yet. And now that my birthday at the end of the week off is over, I have to go back to work tomorrow morning and try to accomplish somthing while Kirin is stuck at home (too stressful to her heart to bring her with me, most likely; she is supposed to rest as much as possible) and it's very likely that I will not be able to stop thinking about that, while my troubleshooting-mind goes repeatedly thru all the things that can go wrong....
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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by The fingers » May 01 2021 10:20am

We and Oliver send our prayers, love, and a happy late birthday from his seat on a barstool at the Idyllwild Brew Pub.
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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by amberwolf » May 11 2021 4:18pm

Kirin died.

I think it was friday, I've lost track of the days.

Got a call while at work from Raine midafternoon that Kirin was in distress, so I rushed home, calling the rescue to setup vet visit while I went home to get her ready. They came to take us to the emergency vet but just as we got her into the van, she died. So they stayed and buried her for me, next to Teddy, since I was so exhausted from everything and in shock that I couldn't even stand up anymore, so I just sat next to the grave they were digging and watched, while Jelly flopped around schmoozily next to me like usual for attention, and Yogi investigated once and went back inside until his built-in dinner alarm went off around the time we buried Kirin.

Been home since then with the other two, Yogi and Jelly--who knows something's up, but Yogi seems oblivious, mostly. He looked like he was looking around for her a couple of times, but he could've just been looking for noms. He's like that. Jelly seems to be missing the adversarial thing she and Kirin had, and she knows I am not right but she isn't sure what to do about it. Neither of them will stay in the bedroom with me (which Kirin always did--she was always "magnetically attached" to me with her "built-in jammed retractable leash" as we used to put it, so wherever I was, Kirin would be too. If she "lost" me, she'd bark in this lost-puppy way until i came to her.). Not having either one of them want to be with me much makes this even worse.

Yogi will come to me when he's really bored and wants some attention but really he wants noms, but he is like a very large cat and only has so much room for attention, and that is filled in seconds most of the time. Twice in the last few days he's actually stayed on the bed and snoozled for a while but only if I leave him alone.

Jelly wants attention and playtime but I am having a hard time being outside playing with her (tossing her squeaky xmas candy cane (walking-cane-sized) as far as I can for her to go get and run back to me with, squeaking it at me to tell me things), because both Jelly and I keep waiting for Kirin to do Kirin things, like mouth at Jelly for being near me, or lower herself down next to wherever I am and grumble that the J-monster doesn't need my attention, or just shove her head against my hip for head-squeezles, etc. When we come in, Jelly just goes and ejects her bones somewhere, flopping down and looking completely bored, only sometimes responding to me calling her over for belly rubs, etc. When she does come, she's very puppy-attentive and really wants the attention, but she rolls and flops and pushes against me or squirms too far away to reach and then complains I stopped, but isntead of coming back she leaves....that's typical normal Jelly schmooness.

Which is all ok...but it isn't Kirin, and I did not really realize that I was just as attached to Kirin as she was to me.....this is so much harder than anything has been since losing Hachi in the fire (and the others, but especially Hachi), and is actually even harder than that...even though I knew it was going to happen, I thought that there would at least be months, and possibly years....not days.

I am having a hard time wanting to do anything at all, other than lay there in bed and try fitfully to sleep as much as possible, and to remember Kirin, since that's all that's left of her now. Usually when one dies I get another one that needs someone, right away, because it helps...but I don't want another one...I want Kirin, and any new one would have to be a "needy snuggler" like Kirin, and I am not sure I would be able to accept them. If there was one here anyway...I'd probably deal with it like usual...but taking steps to make it happen feels impossible. It's like I think about it, imagine it, then just don't care, at all. I don't think I've ever felt that way before.

Then there is Jelly...who got along with Kirin only after Kirin kicked her ass once, after Jelly had repeatedly started a bunch of crap over and over for months, then she accepted her as boss, reluctantly. I don't know how she would react to a new one, and I don't know how I would deal with it, either. (I know how to deal with it...I just don't know that I could right now). Yogi...he probably wouldn't care...but he's very aggressive when he doesn't want a particular dog there, like when Teddy first arrived he actually attacked her, and would've kept doing it if I hadn't had a basket muzzle on him for a good while whenever they were together, and used the doggie calming pheromone collars and diffusers for a long time. He was fine with Kirin, and Jelly and Peanutbutter, but not Teddy (who was a snuggler though not as attached to me as Kirin quickly became, Teddy didn't have nearly as much time to do so before she died).


My boss at work said to take whatever time I need, and took me off the schedule for this week already...I am not sure what I am going to do as I still find it hard to feel much of anything except wanting to (but not really being able to) cry whenever I think of Kirin again, which is very often. I cried so long when she died that I couldn't speak and hardly breathe by the time I was past enough of it to ask for their help to bury her...but since then it's just the tears welling up and then they won't come. Like a bunch of times while typing this.

So if I'm not around ES much for a while...this is why. :(
If you found this advice helpful, supporting contributions are accepted here. Presently on unpaid medical leave of indeterminate length.

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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by HK12K » May 26 2021 7:10pm

Sorry to hear man.

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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by nicobie » May 27 2021 1:56pm

I hope you're starting to feel better.

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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by neptronix » May 27 2021 4:07pm

I wish you the best AW.
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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by amberwolf » Jul 04 2021 3:42am

yogi died a week ago he got bloat for no reason like kirin did but when they xrayd they found luncg cancer and stuff and since he probly wouldn't make it hru surgery or if he did then not recover well or at all and just suffer the rest of his old age life i had to have them kill him and i cant stand it because i needed him because kirin is already dead and i cant handle that either

now all i have left is jelly and shes only interested in herself so shes not any help

im not doing very well not doing anyting but trying to sleep when not at wrok and not relay able to do more than nod off and wake over and over and over except sometmes whne i first get hjome from work i sleep a half our or even and hour then after that its all messedup. too many nightmarres and flashes of stuff that cant be real but feels like it is

sometimes i get to actual sleep for a few mintues just before i have to get up fro wrok and then i feel even worse all day

was bad enough before yogi could hear kirin barking all the time all day and night but shes dead so its just me going crazy but after yogi now i don't her kirin anymore and now shes compeltely gone and i can only think about killing yogi and i dont know waht to do


i dont ahve any energy to read and post here so i don't know when ill be back but i thought id post to let yall know im not dead yet at least
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Re: There was a fire at my house today while I was not home.

Post by DogDipstick » Jul 04 2021 5:51am

amberwolf wrote:
Jul 04 2021 3:42am



i dont ahve any energy to read and post here so i don't know when ill be back but i thought id post to let yall know im not dead yet at least
Love never goes away, buddy. I lost my love KitKat last month. She had a stroke and lasted another month, we tried so hard. It was really hard on us too. She was in my life for 23 years. ONe of the last of my old school friends. THE last.

Just a rainbow bridge, Man. You will never forget, they will be there in your heart, by your side, forever. Losing a friend si the hardest thing in the whole wide world.

Shit I'm crying again now. Best life you could have ever given, you gave to those friends of yours.
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End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by amberwolf » Oct 30 2021 12:11am

I'm trying to get back into familiar routines, like helping out here on ES, but I need to ask everyone for some help.

I feel...wierd, even sort of queasy (not the right word...best I can come up with though), asking for monetary help from anyone, but I have reached that stage where I am running out of options. I will accept donations, but if anyone has online-type jobs I can do, or other things I can do from home, I'd prefer to earn my keep.


Please forgive how long this may seem, but it is about as short as I could make it, and it doesn't really express the full situation or how I feel about it all. I tried to not be rambly.

It has taken months, but I am (just) beginning to recover from losing Kirin and Yogi, and subsequent events caused directly and indirectly by other people's reactions to my grief and physical deterioration from the effects of that grief, and the deep downward spiral all of that took me on.

Insert cute picture of Jelly being a schmoo to distract readers, here:
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At the moment, I am on forced unpaid leave, for an indeterminate amount of time, and have been since a few days after my last post above. I've been living off the savings I managed to accumulate during the previous year, but that will probably only last thru the end of this year or so.

There are two problems with this: I don't know if my work will want me to come back, and I am also not sure that I want to *go* back to it: the place has changed a lot in the last year or two, and my emotional state is still pretty bad; while I'm much better than I was I am nowhere near normal and I do not know how functional I can be outside my home (I am not always functional even here, and definitely wouldn't be elsewhere), so I do not know when I will be able to return to a "real job" at a physical workplace.

Even when I can, if my work doesn't want me back, the plague situation has left so many people out of work and closed so many businesses or forced them to change how they operate that there don't seem to be many jobs actually available (at least, not ones I can do, or ones that would hire me without a car).


I am "seeing" (virtually) a therapist but it is slow going and she is only now beginning to sound interested in my situation and feelings, and in helping me as a person rather than the complete indifference (at best) I felt from her for the first sessions. No idea how long this will take to get me back to "normal" (or if that will even ever happen--this is all way way worse than the fire that started this thread, and that was unimaginably horrible, worse than even the worst my imagination could have ever come up with before it happened).



I'd have a month or two more (at around $1200/month for base rent/utilities budget) but I spent a fair bit of the savings just before Kirin died, and during the previous year, on various projects I'd wanted to do for a long time but had never had money for. If necessary I'll sell off stuff meant for those projects, or other things I have (if there are things I've posted about that people are interested in they can contact me) but I'd rather help people out like I always have, and earn my income that way, if possible.

I have plenty of dog food, because now I only have Jelly, and she eats less than 4 cups a day, and I've always bought enough food to keep a few dogs happy for at least half a year.

So I am only *really* needing to cover rent and utilities, and my own food (of which I have perhaps enough for the rest of this year).



Events and feelings (quite a lot has been left out, or else this would take as long to tell as the entire previous portion of this thread):

After Yogi died, I got much worse than I already had been from Kirin (whose death I was then just beginning to recover from), and my work sent me home on forced unpaid leave until I am "completely better and able to do all parts of my job without any help whatsoever for any reason", which given the nature of the job has never actually been possible (I might not need *much* help, or very often, but there are always times when *some* help is needed, even if it is only lifting a bag, or needing a few minutes of someone else's time during high workload times to get things done on time. And since I do so much of other people's work (that they can't get done) during all the rest of the time when I'm not that busy and don't need help myself, that only seems fair and how a team should work.... ).

Once I was home, I collapsed physically and emotionally and spent the first couple of months or so recovering from the previous couple of months of trauma and stress and anxiety and nearly complete lack of sleep. I spent almost all of that time in bed, dozing and waking, unable to sleep more than a few minutes at a time (at best), at first, slowly getting more like normal sleep until by September I was more or less able to think again--not like normal, but it was better than not being able to do so at all.

Over the next couple of months, up to now, I've been slowly trying to adjust myself back to a daily routine; and re-engage with the world. It's difficult; my brother here is the only person I have regular contact with. I've long lost touch with most poeple I know because I am so wierd they generally don't seem to want me around; I don't blame them but it makes life harder. Gives me more time for myself and my projects and dogs, though, so I suppose it balances out.

I still get so anxious leaving the house for any reason that I have only made it out once, and that was to go to the ER earlier this month for a gut problem that turned out to be "nothing" but felt like oncoming death at the time. Since I am still not working I managed to get on AHCCCS so hopefully most or all of the ER bill will be covered by that. (the full bill has not yet come in, but it's already something under $3000, and I'm still waiting on whatever the actual doctor charges, which is apparently separate from the hospital itself and the radiology department, etc., each of which has their own billing departments.).

I can go out in the backyard and play with Jelly most days, but whenever I can hear (or see) groups of people in the neighborhood, I start getting anxious and at some point it gets bad enough I have to go inside. I don't understand this, but it's there, and I am still working out how to get past it. It's even worse if the assholes down the street start their earthquake-level sub-bass "music" (you usually can't hear anything, you just feel the BOOM BOOM BOOM in your entire body and sometimes even see things around you shaking or moving around on shelves and counters when it's really bad). Going out in the front yard I have managed to check the mail most days, but I cant' stay out there. Around the time of the ER visit I managed to force myself a little bit at a time to trim the shaggy mess of lantana/etc that has grown out over the sidewalks over the summer when I was incapable of even noticing it much less doing anything about it. It's still not all done but it's much much better. Thankfully it won't get that way again anytime soon because I can't afford to water anything unless it's literally going to die if I don't.

One of the worst parts of things now is that my memory and thinking processes are not like they were before this happened (and neither are my emotional reactions). Concentrating on anything is pretty hard, and talking in realtime to anyone is very difficult. I sound like an old alzheimer's patient even to myself--I can't imagine what anyone else thinks of me. Doing stuff in text format like email or forum posts is easier, because I can move from one thing to another and come back to them as my focus changes. I've always been a *little* bit like that, but this is so far beyond that.... (it's taken hours just to write this post, starting in notepad and then pasting that into this post, then editing that down to what you are now reading).

Something has gone wrong in there that I don't understand, but I'll eventually get used to it, if it doesn't change back over time. I am mostly still "me", but I am not the same as I was, and that bothers me a lot. Physically I have been in bedrest for so long now that I am much weaker than I was (though oddly my weight has not changed; I guess the muscle mass just got replaced by fat?), and my joints hurt more than they used to and are stiffer. These and my anxiety are things I have to "fix" to become like I used to be and be able to go out and be "normal" again and work and whatnot...but the only thing that might be "easy" to fix is my physical condition, now that I am more able to be up and around and at least doing things around the house.


I am not yet able to do most of my projects that have been in progress (like the Cloudwalker Cargo Bike, or the SB Cruiser upgrades like the HI-Lebowski controller, Nano TidBits, etc.), mostly because of my memory and thinking processes not working like they should yet. I've only got one (completely-non-ES-related) project that I've been able to focus on, and at some point I may make a thread about that because I've reached a point at which I need major help to continue it, and would like to partner with others to make a publicly-available project out of it (for profit if possible, but prefer open-source either way).
If you found this advice helpful, supporting contributions are accepted here. Presently on unpaid medical leave of indeterminate length.

See here for Details: Beginning of a New Life

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Chalo   100 GW

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by Chalo » Oct 30 2021 12:46am

I'm very sorry to hear you've been having a hard time. At times like this, it's important to remember that things tend to return to normal (whatever that is).
This is to express my gratitude to Justin of Grin Technologies for his extraordinary measures to save this forum for the benefit of all.

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by markz » Oct 30 2021 1:04am

I hope you get better soon Amberwolf, the pandemic has sure caused a lot of problems for countless people on many levels then to throw in other factors as you stated, not good at all.
Doing stuff in text format like email or forum posts is easier, because I can move from one thing to another and come back to them as my focus changes.
Yeah doing stuff on the computer is easy.
You have helped so many people out with your wisdom and knowledge here on Endless Sphere.

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by 99t4 » Oct 30 2021 1:07am

amberwolf wrote:
Oct 30 2021 12:11am
...my work sent me home on forced unpaid leave until I am "completely better and able to do all parts of my job without any help whatsoever for any reason", which given the nature of the job has never actually been possible (I might not need *much* help, or very often, but there are always times when *some* help is needed, even if it is only lifting a bag, or needing a few minutes of someone else's time during high workload times to get things done on time. And since I do so much of other people's work (that they can't get done) during all the rest of the time when I'm not that busy and don't need help myself, that only seems fair and how a team should work.... ).
Yes this seems really unfair and I wonder if there is a way to point out to the bosses that this is a two-way street and the infrequent times you require assistance is outweighed by the voluminous assistance you provide to others. Can you enlist the help of your co-workers there to advocate on your behalf? Unless of course the bosses want you out no matter what. Then that is really really unfair.

My thinking is the following:
Getting back to work helps at least in a few ways: Financially, and keeping you more occupied and from dwelling on other problems.

Interested to hear your thoughts.

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by amberwolf » Oct 30 2021 1:16am

I have to be unable to dwell on the other problems first before I can return to work, not the other way around, unfortunately.


Fair...that's just a travelling entertainment show people go to, rather than a state of action. :/


I'm working on becoming positive, but I am not there yet.
If you found this advice helpful, supporting contributions are accepted here. Presently on unpaid medical leave of indeterminate length.

See here for Details: Beginning of a New Life

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by markz » Oct 30 2021 1:35am

Do not forget that diet is important.

I don't want to dive deep, but flour and sugar, including fruit is bad but I can't make those decisions for you as I am not a doctor, nutritionalist or what have you, however there are more serious matters to attend to, I'm just saying - don't forget about the diet. There's the old saying, You Are What You Eat, though I've eaten lots of fat and lost a literal ton of weight yet I feel pretty darn good with the Ketones flowing instead of Insulin and Glucose, I digress.

I am sure you know your employment, severance, laid off rights.
I listen to internet radio from a place 2000 miles away (Ontario) and they have a guy on about employment law. Its very interesting to listen to the snippets of stories from callers and what the lawyer has to say. Another radio show on same channel is on disability rights. Both on during slower schedule times, weekends.

Any Employment Insurance you can look into, COVID support payments, state/county disability supports?



Get well soon.

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by ZeroEm » Oct 30 2021 9:28am

Can not say I fully understand what you are going thru. Have worked from 15yrs old, in my thirties was involved in a work place accident. Was on workman's comp Ins, for 5 yrs. Doctors told me would never return to manual labor. Was a high school dropout. I went back to school for 6yrs "computer technology" then back to work, mostly in office's. Years later moved back to Texas, needed a job so tried to do Omental Iron Working (could not find a job in my skillset in this town). I lasted about 9 months and my body started going down fast. The doctors were right. I tried different jobs that were easy but did not pay much. Did to much damage them 9 months. Last job was doing technical support from home as a contractor for Version. But had done to much damage and could not sit for long and had to quit. Was going to doctors, they told me they could not do anything for me.

Still want to work. just not able to. Government still has not put me on disability as yet has been 9 yrs. I have sold everything and down to just my bikes now. At first people called me lazy and still expect that I can do more and it's a put on. It's very depressing not be able to function. Only thing is to try to get disability no matter what they say or what anyone else thinks.

You can try to look for tech support contractors and work from home. Your work on ES shows trouble shooting and technical skills. Not saying you can find something in your area.
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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by goatman » Oct 30 2021 9:49am

like zeroem

got hurt, couldnt work, compo was screwing me, went broke,didnt want to look at or see anybody, wound up living in the mountains for 2 years. only kept contact with a few people. im still not quite right :wink:

i sold the ev kit out of the car for more than i was asking for the car

lets get this $3000 hospital bill paid:(

ill start it off with $150 canadian pesos

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by e-beach » Oct 30 2021 11:57am

Hmm....this just popped up on Craigslist. Are you any good with AutoCad?

https://phoenix.craigslist.org/nph/egr/ ... 89507.html
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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by Stealth_Chopper » Oct 30 2021 1:30pm

I hope you can decide upon some activity, like caring work, that agrees with your good nature, perhaps an agricultural setting ?
Or somewhere in the medical realm being with others who are helping people all day long.
Good Luck

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Re: End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

Post by nicobie » Oct 30 2021 2:35pm

I like the new title you have chosen for this thread. It shows a positive attitude.

🏁🏁🏁
Ask for it by name.

my eTownie build thread: http://endless-sphere.com/forums/viewto ... =6&t=23701
Magazine article https://www.electricbike.com/nicks-etownie/

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