Alright, seeing how you bunch of tight asses ain’t putting you money where your anything is it’s time to do a proper mother-ducking sales pitch. Get ready to have you panties blown off b*tchs.
This bike here is the greatest f*cking bike ever made, it rare alloy composite carbon frame is impervious to losing, thats right......LOSING. Steve Peat road this thing and was quoted from an unreliable source saying “This thing is the raddest mother bitch facing downhill, freeride, XC, god damn motorcross rig ever built, I can’t handle it, it’s speed carrying-ness ability scares me’’. Matt Hoffman once quadruple double and a half back flipped this thing over a burning bus filled with lingerie clad lesbians licking each others nipples whilst playing electric guitars.
This thing goes like corn through a goose, it’s shiny too, so when you take it home after impulse buying the shit out of it the missus will mistake it for diamonds and then her clothes will blow off and her rack will double in size. As well as that she will finally think you are interesting cause now you have the craziest half vintage/old shit bike around and the fact she thinks it’s made of diamonds means every time you piss her off cause you’re off winning the World DH cup, spraying champagne in podium girls faces and not at home changing the nappies and mowing that thing you call a lawn you can just chip off a bit of the frame off and give it to her and she will think the sun shines again from the 2 white half moons you call you ass again.
And V brakes, mother f*cking V-BRAKES!?!? When’s the last time you saw these on a championship winning rig? 2 decades? You know why? ‘Cause they were BANNED for being too good, that’s why. They combine the stopping power of a cat on lino with the grip of a slab of butter sliding down an oiled lingerie models back and all with the feel and progression of getting your fingers smashed with a hammer. Only when you need to slow down do you need more than two hands squeezing on the lever to get them to work, and then they won’t even lock, ‘cause sliding is slow. And slow this bike aint.
This bike will change your life, women will worship you. Men will try to murder you to steal it. And I will be richer. Your life will soon be VERY exciting; you’ll be dodging bullets whilst fondling boobs and at the same time winning DH, XC or motocross races.
Well, after this little sales pitch your no doubt frothing at the mouth and you wallet is as excited as a seal in a fish shop, so stop being a cheapskate and get yourself real hard ass, bad ass and any other sort of ass XC World Downhill championship cup diamond encrusted sex sled bike designed by Jesus and Babe Ruth.
Peace out!
P.S Some of the above points are lies, others are complete Bullsh*t.