Well, today sucked almsot as bad as yesterday. Maybe it's actually worse. i haven't decided yet.
I drove away another former friend, so I guess that's two in two days, and strained my back and arms and legs and neck.
I am exhausted past being tired or sleepy, after almost no sleep at all last night, just dozing a moment then waking, over and over, after all the horribly stressful events of yesterday, on top of all the disasters before that. I managed to actually fall asleep just long enough before the alarm to be completley and utterly unable to function normally when it went off--probably about 15-20 minutes based on what I know of myself and the times I'd looked at the clock during my doze/wake cycles before that. I got up to get dressed and realized I'd never even taken my shoes off the day before. Probably a good thing; I'd probably have put my pants on my head or something otherwise. I stumbled downstairs and made tea without screwing anything up other than dropping ice cubes a lot, then went out and rode Delta Tripper off to my house on autopilot, cuz I don't remember even leaving Bill's house much less riding to mine.
So when Tannon and Patty came over to my house this morning, meeting me there probably around 6am, I was trying to figure out what stuff was recycle and what wasn't, because "helpers" have been adding stuff to all piles in the yard based on what stuff looks similar to what they were carrying, I think. For the most part I decided to just let whatever it is lie in the pile it ended up in, so if it gets trashed I don't really frocking care at this point, even if it's the most critical piece of shit I can't possibly replace. I pointed out what would be going away today, or rather the general outline of the piles of stuff that would be, and the general outline of the piles that wouldn't be yet cuz I haven't had any goddamn time to sort thru them.
Tannon asked about the alley gate being blocked by the tall fence outside it, and I said that the only way I knew of to get it open was to lift off first the far west fence section, then the next easterly, then the one behind the alley gate. That's an impossible task so I assumed we'd just be moving all the stuff thru the east gate, on the street. I guess he didn't like that idea so while I was trying to start doing that, he pulled out the post between the gate-section of fence and the next most easterly, and Patty redirected my attention back to him to see that.
I went over there to unlock the actual alley gate, which only opens inward, specifically so that the dogs couldn't ever push it open, and also only the east half can open at all, as I'd had a steel tube driven into the ground quite a ways thru the tabs on the west half of the gate, again so the dogs couldn't ever move that gate enough to get thru the gap between halves, and so no one else could do that from outside, either.
But the gate was blocked from opening more than a foot or two by stuff dumped in front of it, so I started picking it up to move it out of the way thru the gap into the alley. Tannon was just standing there, about a couple feet away from that gap. I couldn't hold onto the printer I picked up and it slipped out of my hands as I tried to get it thru the gap, and it fell and landed in front of him. He said somethign like "Please don't do that again" in a voice that sounded scary to me, even angry, and that shot my stress level way up from where it already was, because I don't deal well with anyone that is angry at me--I usually have to walk away from it so I don't get upset and either cry or get angry myself. Maybe I should have done that.
Becuase next, while I was trying to pick up and move more stuff to clear the gate, Tannon decided he wanted to pull the gate open out the alley direction, which could damage it as old and weak as it is, and I didn't want to risk that, especially since I still dont' have any power to the welder to fix it if he broke it. So I said something aobut it only opening inward, and he said something else about how he could do it, and it looked like he was going to break it, so I said "Stop!" pretty loudly, and it didn't seem like that was going to stop him so I yelled "STOP!" because I was realy afraid then, both of it breaking and of him doing something to it or me, and I probably yelled it again after that but I am not sure. I shoudln't have been afraid of him becuase I doubt he would ever hurt me but at that moment I was; I am under so much stress right now I am afraid of a lot of things that are stupid and silly.
Either way, he said something like "bye" and called to Patty that they were leaving, and stormed off to his truck. Patty reluctantly followed himi while I stood there aghast and in shock, blood draining from my head, unable to move or speak. They drove off just as I was able to start stumbling in that direction. After a moment I thought of the celphone and tried to call him, but of course he ignored the call, and I guess must've told Patty to ignore hers, when I tried to call her I also got voxmail. I left them both messages apologzing and trying to explain, askign them to come back. I then tried texting them both with the apology and asking them to come back.
No response from either of them in the several hours since then (that was around 630am).
I realized that what I had done had destroyed my chance to do everything I needed to do today, and I fell down where I was standing and cried my eyes out for a while, soaking Phideaux's head pretty thoroughly.
It's a good thing I don't have a gun around, because if I did I wouldn't be here typing this--I gave up on the whole world at least twice in that time, having determined that I was completley alone and that I couldnt' trust anyone not to just walk away and leave me alone at the moment I needed them most. Moments later I would realize that was stupid, and that it was just a couple of people that don't have any idea what they are putting me thru, might regret it later, I don't know that were messing with my head, and then I'd just cry more from the realization that I can't help either of them, either--the one doesn't want it and he'd rather wither away alone, and the other doesn't realize he needs it and drags his poor wife along for the ride.
After a long while I guess, dunno how long, I changed from frightened and alone to angry at being abandoned by yet another person I thought was a friend, right when I needed them most, and started going thru all the stuff left by my mom and sisters who all abandoned me here too (even though mom didn't exactly have a choice about it, getting sick and dying, it felt then and feels now like I was abandoned the same way my dad did to us more than once).
I started picking up and chucking whole boxes of stuff that normaly I doubt I could even lift over on teh garbage pile between teh bikes and the openable part of the alley gate. Then I started going thru my kitchen stuff, and chucking all teh glass things at the pile from half the backyard away, breaking everything I could possibly manage to, and getting angrier at every crunch, throwing things so hard it hurt. Eventually i ran out of things I could lift or throw, and fell down and cried again. I have not been that angry or destructive in 30 years. I hope I never am again.
At that point I was so hot, exhausted, and hurty that I realized I could not do anything else, and gave up to go back to Bill's at least for today, to write off the whole day as a complete and utter waste of time, wishing I hadn't even gotten out of bed today. I strained msyelf further by having to lift the heavy pipe used fora fencepost on the tall secruity fence, the one Tannon pulled out to open the alley gate, and lift it straight up (whcih took several tries cuz i let it lean and dropped it more than once) and drop it down into the fence end rings to lock the fence togeter.
Right as I was lockign the outer gate to leave, Mark called, and I remembered I had called him the previous night to come pickkup anything he wanted to save from the recycle stuff, and that I'd called him again and left voxmail right after I tried to get Tannon and Patty to come back, hoping he could come here and help me by getting and driving the uhaul to the recyclers, or at least be company because I didn't want to be alone right then, just before my first crying fit.
He was very concerned about what happened, and was actually on his way over right then, but it was too late at that point and I could not stay there another minute, so I had to apologize and tell him that we'd have to do whatever on a different day. that was around 830am I guess.
I got to bill's intime to go to breakfast with him, to Whataburger, around 9am. When i arrived at his place, he said I looked like PigPen, though my security blanket is Phideaux instead ofan actual blanket, and I wasn't yet sucking my thumb (though i admit I might get down to that point if things get any worse). So I washed up the dirt and soot off my face and arms/hands, and we left for WB, after he gave me some ibuprofen for the already-stiffening muscles I strained in my anger fit.
I wasn't hungry but could feel my stomach growling and if I don't eat at that point I'll usually get sick, so i ordered and ate. I don't rememver what it was. I guess I told Bill abut today's events; don't remember that for sure either. I remember a funny boxer dog in a truck in the drive thru, excited about the driver getting his food and stuff. I remember the cashier (but not her name) who knows Bill, comeing over to the table to give me two free whataburger coupons from the store manager; I guess they've probably discussed my predicament.
Despite a couple of refils of DrPepper the caffiene didnt' and hasnt' done anthing to help me wake up. I think I'm past that. Past sleeping too, cuz i tried that when we got back.
I decided I din't want to even use antyhign Tannon has brought me so I moved all the data/settings off the little Dell he'd broguth me after the fire, moved them to a usb stick Bigmoose sent, then copied them over to the IBM he'd also sent, which i'm now using to type that up. Then I erased everything of mine off Tannon's laptop except eh wallpaper whcih is that shot of Hachi, Nana, Loki, and Fred in front of Bonnie's grave, at the top of this thread, minus the text.
I tried to figure out which clothes came from him but only a few are obvious, and those are set aside in a box with the laptop so he can have them back, once I run into someone that knows him that can take the stuff to him. I have plenty of stuff from other people now so I don't need them anyway. I certainly don't want to wear them and be reminded of today.
I apologize to Patty for all this, because she's just caught in the middle and none of it is her fault. I appreciate very much the help she's given and that she would have probably continued to do today if he hadn't been her ride home.
You did the right thing, regroup and move on. To the extent you can, try not to dwell upon the lapse today. As they say "stuff happens."
Given the present situation that's probably going to happen anyway to some degree; some plastic things were already destroyed by the sun; warped and bent when they had not been after the fire itself. 
